Decisions, Decisions, and How to Conquer Mom Guilt

         I am not a "bad mom" for deciding NOT to make my kids pancakes before daycare today. I am NOT a bad mom for choosing to put away laundry so I can maybe sometimes find weather-appropriate clothes, or choosing to sweep the floor because its been a while, and we have guests tonight. 

        I am not a "bad mom" for waking them up at the same time on commute-downtown days and work-from-home days, so that I can have a little bit of quiet time. I am NOT a bad mom for all those decisions and more, and neither are you. 

        There are only 24 hours in each day, 1440 minutes, and we need to decide over and over which task to do next, out of an impossible list of "shoulds". When we choose to clean, and when we don't, when we scroll for 2 hours (oops did I really just do that?!), when we choose to get down on the floor and play, or park them in front of the TV and take time away, that doesn't make us "bad" or wrong. In fact, worrying that we're bad moms is one of the biggest indicators that we're actually good moms! 

        So as I sit here writing this post, after first catching up on the night's Facebook notifications... As I sit here deciding how to spend the next 5 minutes, knowing that I'll get caught up in this task or that, and be late/frazzled/frustrated no matter what I choose... here's the point. The TL:DR (isn't it awesome that we can admit posts are "too long, didn't read"? But I digress...)

        So back to the point - How do we conquer mom guilt? We tell ourselves, and each other, over and over as often as needed, you're not a bad mom, it's okay to choose the "easy" option, and the kids are gonna be just fine. 

Pancakes or waffles?
 Either way, they'll eat.

        Let me repeat in bullet points so these magic words stand out in our heads. Feel free to write them down on a notepad, or on a receipt, or on an envelope from some junk mail, and tape it to the fridge, or to your phone cause that's where it'll for sure be seen 🤣) because even the act of writing helps memories last... (#Science)

How to Conquer Mom Guilt?

This is the secret. Repeat this mantra - loudly, softly, and often, to yourself and to others:

• You are NOT a bad mom
• It's okay to choose the "easy" option 
• The kids are gonna be just fine

That's it. No strings attached, because we moms wear so many hats, juggle so many tasks, and have so much on our plates, that we really have no room for any more mountains of red tape or hoops to jump through. Did I mix enough metaphors? Lol I'll stop.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk, and may the peace of faith in yourself lift some of that burden you're carrying. You are not alone. You are enough. You are loved.

Xoxo,

Mama Gali

Unmet Needs

Pretty much every challenge in our lives can be boiled down to unmet needs. 

Are you hangry?

Unmet need for food. 

Are you overly irritable?

You probably have an unmet need for sleep.  

Are you sad? 

Unmet need for companionship, or purpose, or exercise.

Are you anxious? 

Unmet need for safety and acceptance.

Are you hurting?

Unmet need for relief.

Are you overwhelmed?

 Unmet need for support.

            The list could go on and on, but you get the point. We all want to feel heard, to feel seen, to feel appreciated and validated and capable. Obviously I can't speak for every one of the 7.7+ billion people currently living on our planet, but I'm pretty sure this gem is universal. So if every challenge in our lives is basically caused by unmet needs... how do we fix them? How do we stop the suffering, fix the world, and find happiness/peace? Well first of all, we don't. It's not our responsibility or capability to meet every need for everyone, and it's not everyone else's responsibility to meet our needs.

If we go the philosophical route, Thomas Hobbes described human lives as

 "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short".

If we go the twelve-step route, it's up to G-d to grant us 

"...the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and Wisdom to know the difference".

If we go the comedic route... 

well we'll have to go somewhere else because I don't have jokes that are actually funny. lol.

            There are also lots of routes not listed. Actually, there are probably about as many routes to "fix" this problem of unmet needs as there are people, because each of us is our own weird blend of education and life experience, each of is damaged in our special ways. So this leads me to wonder... 

If we're all bruised and scarred,

 why do try so hard 

to pretend we're not? 

Read that again. I'll wait.

  Speaking of trying, I recently "read" an audiobook that talked a lot about trying, and not trying. If you're curious, it's called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck", and it's by Mark Manson. I have a love-hate relationship with the title, because cussing isn't my default. You can probably tell because I chose "cuss" instead of "curse", or any of a zillion other less PG ways to say profanity. So why did I read it? Because I felt a nudge from God/The Universe, and followed it, and I am so glad that I did. The book is everything that I didn't know that I needed. Psychology and humor, life lessons not from a rabbi or scientist or celebrity, but from a normal guy, who made mistakes just like the rest of us, and found a way to write down chapter after chapter of ways to not. 

            To paraphrase an abundance of awesome, his answer to "how" is that honestly, we already know how to get our needs met, and underneath all the lies that we let ourselves believe, we don't take responsibility for our needs because it's hard. Blaming others and getting mad/scared/sad is practically automatic, and doing something about it feels uncomfortable, and sometimes impossible. So why write this post at all? Because we all have unmet needs, and we all have great power to do something about it, and if you need a little nudge to get out of your rut, here it is, because me too. 

            You don't need my permission to "just do" the scary things. But just in case it helps... you have it. Whatever challenges you're facing in this moment. You're not alone. You've got this. It WILL get better, or your money back (and I can say that with confidence because this post is free 😛)

xoxo,

Professor Gali