Something Great

 Today, a coworker had the courage to confide a "random thought", that she felt I was being groomed for something bigger. Honestly, my heart melted a little bit because I've been feeling the same way, and it felt really nice to have those feelings validated. 

At one point during this not-so-gradual transformation from a hesitant underachieving to a ... title yet-to-be-determined confident lifechanger, the doubt got so strong that I thought I was crazy. Not "haha that's nuts" but full on psychotic break grandiose thinking you need to be locked up crazy. It wouldn't be the first time... Knowing what I do about bipolar disorder and the gift-curse of full-blown mania, having learned the hard way that being consistent with mood stabilizer medication is vital (at least for me), I was scared, and honestly that's a sign of just how much I've grown. 

There's a parenting quote that I really like, REEEALLY like, about how if you're worried that you're doing it wrong, that's a sign that you're doing it right. This translates to managing my mental health diagnosis too. If I'm noticing red flags, and taking steps to seek support instead of denying the snowball... well that's a pretty giant difference from last time. At least today I can be confident that if I mess up and land in a "behavioral health facility" again, it won't be because I didn’t learn my lesson. 

So... back to the "something greater" thesis of this not-for-college-entrance personal statement.... I'm not hallucinating. I'm not "crazy" except for the part where I own my crazy. People rarely own their crazy, and if that makes me crazy, I don't want to be anything else. For the first time in my life, I've felt called to something huge, and I haven't stopped myself from following the path. 

Sure, I'm giving myself permission to take baby steps, to pause and soak up all that the present has to offer before diving with both feet into the deep end of the future. (I never learned how to dive properly so it would probably be more like a literal arms-flailing, screaming-the-whole-way leap of faith...) where was I? Oh yeah, groomed for something greater.

Finally, it seems like all of my education and experience are coming together towards... something. It's not 100% clear yet what that something is, and that's okay. Many times in life we don't get to know the destination, or even the twists and turns and pitstops and detours on the route. Many times in life, we are forced to live each moment, not necessarily as if its our last, but as a moment, an ordinary night putting away laundry because, if this moment DOESN'T turn out to be our last... it would be nice to have clean clothes available.

Thanks for reading.

I hope that you'll keep following this wild ride, maybe take your turn at the wheel, and join me for what I'm confident is going to be a pretty amazing incredible awesome view from the mountaintop. (Sorry not sorry for mixing metaphors).

Sending positive vibes and permission that you didn't ask for but are getting anyway...

~Mama Gali

Why I Take Steps

        It seems like someone is always fundraising for something, and it can feel impossible to balance a budget during girl scout cookie season. So for those who feel like they can't give $, I understand. Here's a little piece of my story, a mini behind-the-scenes look at why this cause matters to me, and why now.

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW 
WHY I TAKE STEPS?

        Imagine being 14 years old, swearing up and down that you're NOT anorexic, and that you're not eating because your stomach hurts. You keep going to school because honestly, the distraction helps, but your blood boils every time someone notices your size 8 turned size 00 figure and comments "you like great!". My mom raised me with good manners so I put on that fake smile, said something like "aww thanks" and vented to my friends later. Imagine being 14 years old, and being scheduled for a colonoscopy. Thank God that my tribe was mostly future doctors, and they were fascinated more than grossed out by the "butt camera" details. Fast forward 10 years and hundreds of blood draws later, and imagine the next chapter of the battle. Imagine you have a husband and a job, and after years of being relatively okay, the pain is back with a vengeance. Your doctor suggests surgery. For years, you've been so careful, knowing that getting pregnant during a flare could be disastrous, and your doctor tells you not to let your disease control your life. But what if... and what if... the fears are too scary to even speak them.

        Now fast forward one more time, another 7 years to the current day. You're living the American dream. Married, employed, with 2.5 kids and a house with a yard. Your disease is under control (at least according to the tests), but you still have accidents more often than your children. You look at these adorable amazing miniature versions of yourself, and remember that your disease has a genetic component.

        Sure, I'd love a cure for Crohn's Disease. I'd love to not need IV medication every 8 weeks, to not need to think about horrible prep drink for at least 20 years, instead of 3. But that stuff doesn't bother me anymore. Like so many other hardships in life, I've adjusted, and barely notice that it's not normal. I take steps and I am 100% committed to this cause, not for myself, but for the millions of younger patients. For the ones who got diagnosed at age 7, and never got to have a normal childhood. For the ones who's surgery didn't help, who's medication doesn't help, and who feel like they won't ever be able to date, or work, or go on vacation like a normal person. I #TakeSteps to stop the stigma, to raise funds, and to do what I can to save others from the pain that I've experienced.

        I've lived with Crohn's Disease since sophomore year of high school, and have had more than my fair share of pokes and prods. Yes, it's true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and my diagnoses helped shape me into who I am today... but that doesn't mean I'd wish it on my worst enemy. So if you can spare the cost of a few fast food meals, consider donating them to CCFA, your guts will be glad that you did, and many others will be forever grateful.

xoxo

MamaGali

What If....

Good morning,

This post is for you, and you, and you over there in the back. Yes, I see you. I've been you, and I'm here to tell you that it's okay to show up, to speak up, to be seen. There's a middle ground between standing in the spotlight, and hiding in the shadows, and for me, that middle ground is here.

 This newest poem, "STOP" is for all those like me, for each person who for far too long has held back from being true to their heart. It's time to start stopping, start starting, and live.

 "STOP" 

What if we put a STOP

To feeling ashamed?

What if we shared our truth?

Like an innocent child

With no filter,

Who hasn't yet learned 

To hold back and hide.

"Conceal don't feel"

Sings the queen of ice and snow.

And maybe 

we can't help

But sing along 

because

 that's what we've been told 

for years and years

just like she was.

What if we put a STOP

To feeling ashamed?

How much happier would we feel

Showing up authentically?

Sure there'd be haters,

There always are...

But if we STOP being afraid 

If we STOP being ashamed

THAT'S when we find our tribe.

And finding your  tribe

is priceless.

    As part of my 2021 "100% Committed" mission, I make a commitment to myself, and to you. I commit to show up authentically, at home, at work, online, and anywhere else where I might spend time.  So often we give advice to others, not following it ourselves. That's why one of my many missions this year is to "Walk the Walk and Talk the Talk, for IBD and for Me", I'm going to confess that the first draft of this message was #PostedFromThePot. Actually, some of my best poetry and prose is written from the "throne", because as a mom of 2 living with Crohn's Disease, I spend more than my fair share of time in the restroom. Okay I admit, sometimes I'm hiding out, hoping for an extra minute alone. Often though, I'm just following my gut, and a gut with chronic inflammation doesn't have the same needs as one without.

    I've decided to set aside the shame that so often is linked to Irritable Bowel Disease. Sure, my guts are cranky and overactive, but often, so are my thoughts, and my years on this Earth have taught me that #RealTalk can help me (and you) process the chaos within, literally AND metaphorically!

    Will you join me in this quest as I #TakeSteps and share my story, as I #StopTheStigma by starting conversations? I hope that you will (no pressure though, truly).

    Let me know in the comments, or, if you're not quite ready, click here to show your support with a donation to Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America. CCFA is an organization that funds research for a cure for Crohn's Disease, and it's cousin Ulcerative Colitis. They also fund much-needed support for newly diagnosed patients, and so much more. CCFA helped me when I needed it most, and all these years later, I've finally found the courage to talk about it.

    I hope that you'll start a conversation with me, in public or in private, and know that I won't judge. You are loved, and you are NOT your illness, you are NOT your struggle, you are so much more.

Xoxo

MamaGali