Invisible

Sometimes I feel invisible. Not just my illness, but myself. I could spend hours doing dishes and laundry and picking up toys, and 30 minutes later the toddler tornado has me back at square one.

I'll admit, I have a bad habit of putting things down wherever I am, and not where they belong, and this contributes to the mess. I'm working on that.

I'm aware that the problem exists, and that's the first step down the path to a solution.

This week is Crohns and Colitis Awareness Week, and I've been sharing my personal IBD story on Facebook and Instagram. It takes courage to #EscapeTheStall and talk about my symptoms (mostly diarrhea and urgency), and I'm practicing being brave, standing up and speaking out, with each day that passes.

It took me a long time to get diagnosed. My mom advocated for me, and even at age 15, when I'd much rather have buried my nose in books, I advocated for myself. I had no choice. The pediatrician couldn't figure it out, my mom's family doctor couldn't either, and when I AGAIN insisted that I did NOT have an eating disorder, I went to a GI specialist and they said Crohn's Disease almost immediately. Most people my age haven't even thought about a colonoscopy, but I'm already a pro.

 (Pro Tips: Chill it, and Don't drink water in advance so that when its time to start you're REALLY thirsty)

How can a medicine that's used to treat diarrhea have the side effect of diarrhea?! All jokes aside, I've been on all kinds of meds over the past 15 years, and have my fingers crossed that more options are found before I need them. 

Surgery was really scary, but the pain relief made it 10,000% worth it.

Even in "remission" I have symptoms. Lucky for me, I'm so used to them that I've nearly forgotten what it feels like to be healthy. 

My journey isn't over, but that doesn't mean that I can't share my story. 

#IBDVISIBLE 

Crossroads: A Poem About Choices

So I've been thinking about my career, about my goals, dreams, passions, and I was inspired. Leave a comment if you like!

Crossroads
Sitting at the crossroads
Afraid to choose a path,
Sitting at the crossroads
Doing mental math...

Weighing the pros
And weighing the cons,
Stretching my neck
To see farther beyond.

What if I choose wrong
Wont change add more stress?
What if the change I want so much
Isn't for the best?

Weighing every factor
Before I take a step,
Sitting at the crossroads
Stretching out my neck...

Deliberation is exhausting
Sometimes I take a break,
Sleeping at the crossroads
Another birthday, time for cake!

Sleeping at the crossroads
Afraid to make my move,
Time to dance out all my fears
And really get in that groove.

Stuck in a rut
But at least I'm content,
I'm not complaining
Though sometimes I vent.

Sitting at the crossroads
With many paths around,
I don't know which to pick
Possibilities abound.

Sitting at the crossroads
Criss-cross applesauce,
Close my eyes and open my heart
And listen to The Boss.

Open my ears
Let that inner voice speak,
My journey has really just begun
I'm far from reaching my peak.

Sitting at the crossroads
Waiting for a nudge,
But sometimes what it really takes
Is a great big monster shove!

Sitting at the crossroads
Until I no longer have a choice,
Scared to take a baby step
Ignoring my inner voice.

Then life throws lots of curveballs
I duck and dodge and weave,
And then I get hit right smack in the face
It's time to finally believe.

Believe that I got this
It'll all be okay,
Believe that God's working for my good
Even through the pain.

That curveball really hurt
And it didn't have to hit,
If I hadn't sat at the crossroads
It probably would've missed.

So sit at the crossroads
But dont linger too long,
It doesn't really matter
If the choice you choose is wrong.

Learn from the mistake
Rise up and fight the fight,
Face each day's curveballs
Shining with your light.

Shine bright like a star
Knowing that you've tried,
And if the ending doesn't fit
It means you haven't died.

The path is winding with some dark spots
And maybe at the end,
All the paths wind up together
Your choices were pretend.

Is life preordained
Do we have a destiny?
All I know is that tomorrow
Cannot be foreseen.

So I was sitting at the crossroads
Making perfect plans,
When life threw me some curveballs
And I put it in God's hands.

Let go and let God,
and keep fighting the fight,
And never let lifes challenges
put out your inner light!

Which is the path less traveled?!

Something's Gotta Give

It might seem like I have it all together, juggling a job, kids, hubby, and house, but in reality, there's never enough time to do everything on my list.

This past weekend, my list included putting away 4 loads of clean laundry, prepping goodie bags and food for my daughter's birthday party in the park, getting us to school/work and back, and getting us all to bed early so that we wouldn't be cranky on party day.

That's a pretty big list, and it didn't all get done. My priorities tend to be extremely out of whack, and I get major anxiety if the little things get pushed aside. I had a vision for the perfect pinterest/budget friendly party, and when the weekend started to go off plan I was very irritated with everyone.

Party Decor Goal

Party Decor Reality

There are only 24 hours in every day, and if your list is unrealistic, something's gotta give. For me, self-care and time with hubby are the first to get knocked to the bottom. I KNOW that this is terrible, and those two need to be at the top. Tell that to my brain which races with ideas and plans and overloads my days and nights.

DIY Graham cracker ocean treats

I'm working on changing my attitude to stress less and enjoy more. Easier said than done.

George Carlin has a quote "Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things." I love that quote because I do sweat the petty things, and it's not good for my mental, physical, or financial health.

So I'm trying. Every day and night I'm working on my priorities. I take time to meditate. I ask myself, do I really need to worry about xyz, and I pray. I trust that everything happens for a reason, and as much as I hate snapping at my loved ones, those moments lead to conversations that can move us towards a healthier tomorrow.

It's been said "Don't compare your behind the scenes to someone else's highlight reel" and my behind the scenes has a lot of tears and occasional yelling. Of course those moments don't get captured on film. We're all just doing our best, and very much "faking it til we make it".

Since I'm writing this at 2:45 AM, and I'm working on healthy priorities, I'm going to stop now, and get some more sleep.

Sweet dreams and flying machines,
~Mama Gali